Ink in the bottle, YOU STINK!

I know it has happened to you before. You’re sitting there riding the train…sleeping perhaps, or maybe reading a book, minding your business. Then someone sits next to you, heck...maybe even in front or behind you. A few seconds later you feel a sharp burning sensation in your nostrils, as if you inhaled an open bottle of vinegar. The foul fumes then move on to your eyes. It’s worse than being tear-gassed at a riot. You’re eyes are burning…tears running down your face. You’ve fallen victim to a serial stink attack.

As the warmer temperatures fall upon us, our bodies react naturally to combat this increase via perspiration. We sweat! Unfortunately, along with this natural cooling method come odors, which our culture has conditioned us to classify as…”less than desirable”. Deodorant…antiperspirant…powder…Old Spice…Muslim body oils…febreeze…Axe…all products designed to mask the human body odor. Being forced into a confined space (riding metro) with someone who has a “not so fresh” aura about them is NOT a fun place to be. As the warmer temperatures descend upon us, we must be ever so vigilant as to keep our hygiene in check. In this entry, I will try to share a few tips to make the commute more pleasurable not for you, but for other commuters (stink people never seem to smell themselves).

Tip#1: BATHING
Now this may seem simple, and pretty straightforward. Well that’s because it IS simple and straightforward. I define bathing as the act of washing your ass in efforts to promote cleanliness, and to keep the stank at bay. Not JUST your ass though…your entire body. For those of you taking hoe-baths…cut that mess out. (Hoe bath: standing in front of the sink with a washcloth and “hitting the spots”...seen below)

Please be sure to shower in the mornings. This assures you being the freshest upon leaving the house. The “I bathe at night” deal may work in cooler temps, but on those days where its 83 degrees before the sun comes up, you need all the fresh you can get. By the time that afternoon commute hits, you do NOT want to be the serial stink attacker…wondering why you got all that space to yourself on the crowded train.

Tip#2: WASH YOUR CLOTHES
Let’s be real. We’ve all worn articles of clothing (specifically jeans) more than once in between washing. This practice becomes very risky during the summer. After the long day, you look at your jeans, and you’re happy to see that you didn’t spill anything on them, or brush up against anything that left a stain on your favorite Levi 501s. However, you’ve been sweating in them jeans all day! They stink…and will stink even more on their second round. You do not want to be on the blue line smelling like old condensed milk in your 501s. Wear and wash.

If you by accident leave your clothes in the washing machine after they’ve finished their cycle…WASH THEM AGAIN. At LEAST run them from the second rinse cycle where you add the fabric softener. Nothing worse than the stench of “old washcloth” before lunchtime.

Tip#3. WEAR DEODORANT
This tip is for my foreigners and hippies alike. UNDERARM FUNK STINKS. It is multiplied by three on a crowded train. Its always the musty mofos that want to grab the overhead hand rails too. Metro should have a designated car for commuters who don’t wear deodorant. I know the price of everything is skyrocketing, but you have to adjust your budget to allow for the purchase of deodorant. There’s just no excuse. Come 3pm and your armpits smelling like 3 day old White Castles. Not good.

Now we all know there are those days when you honestly forget to put on deodorant.
Try to combat this by :
-keeping a back up stick (or can) at your desk
-Try to limit your motion throughout the day
-just before its time to leave work, get some paper towels & soap from the bathroom and give your pits a quick wipe down

-pop some microwave popcorn and put it in your work bag (the scent of microwave popcorn is strong!)

Tip#4: DON’T TAKE A DUMP AT WORK
If you can help it, try not to take a crap at work. First of all, that industrial one ply toilet paper is not the best at cleaning your anus. You know good and well that nobody is gonna wet the toilet paper at work. (Imagine being caught outside the stall with your pants down, at the sink…LOL ) By the time you do a lil bit of walking, the heat from the cheek friction turns those mud crumbs into a muddy mess in your pants. That shit stinks…literally. Spare your fellow commuters.


Those are just a few tips that MetroMan has for you. If you have others, feel free to add on in the comments section. What’s up with stink people though? EVERYBODY I know has someone in his or her office that smells…yet doesn’t know it. Usually the combination of bathing, clean clothes, and deodorant is a sure cure. Guess some people are naturally funky. You know ones diet can influence body odor. Maybe they eat roadkill? Maybe they eat homeless people? Maybe they eat cab drivers? Who knows! What really makes it bad is when someone catches a whiff of their funk and tries to mask it with cologne or perfume. YUCK! That just adds a new meaning to “eau de toilette”…YOU DA TOILET!?

What should one do when he or she encounters a serial stink attacker on the metro? The first course of action is to reposition yourself! Clear air is your friend. Move to the opposite end of the car…or hell, and the next station try to move to a separate car. No sense in suffering the red eyes and burning nostrils. Sometimes you can get blocked in on a crowded train though…making it harder to immediately reposition yourself. In this case, just cover your nose with your shirt…a napkin…paper bag…anything to filter the stink molecules. Then move away from the offender as soon as practical. Or if you want to avoid the hassle, purchase one of the following:

Good luck out there ladies & gentlemen. Summer is right around the corner. Keep your personal hygiene routine on point…next time you read this, you wont think I’m talking about you :)